| Home Page | Notable Quotes |
| Date: | July 30, 1998 |
| Sources: | Classic Humorists |
"I think the dirtbag is doing a great job"
"Try not to use the words 'Jessie Helms' and 'intelligence' in the same sentence."
"I don't make jokes - I just watch government and report the facts..."
"My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they met 'em at the boat."
"We'll show the world we are prosperous, even if we have to go broke to do it."
"Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, that don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous."
"Things in our country run in spite of government. Not by aid of it!"
"Nobody wants to be called common people, especially common people."
"Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches."
"It's not what you pay a man but what he costs you that counts."
"We are here just for a spell and then pass on...So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead."
"You can always joke good naturedly a big man, but be sure he is a big man before you joke about him."
"No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of truth...Now rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth"
"A diplomat tells you what he don't believe himself, and the man he's tellin' it to don't believe him, so it balances. Diplomats meet and eat, then rush out and wire their Government they've completely fooled the other fella."
"...I maintain that it should cost as much to get married as to get divorced. Make it look like marriage is worth as much as divorce, even if it ain't."
"We can get all lathering at the time over some political campaign promise, or some conference pledge, but if the thing just drags along long enough we forget what it was that was originally promised. The short memories of the American voter is what keeps our politicians in office."
"It's just got so that 90 percent of the people in this country don't give a damn. Politics ain't worrying this country one tenth as much as parking space."
"We shouldn't elect a President; we should elect a magician."
"If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven."
"Elect 'em for a six-year term; not allow 'em to suceed themselves. That would keep their mind off politics."
"That's one good thing about wars. It takes smarter men to figure out who loses 'em than it does to start 'em...The more ignorant you are the quicker you fight."
"I don't care how little your country is, you got a right to run it like you want to. When the big nations quit meddling, then the world will have peace."
"Now if there is one thing that we do worse than any other nation, it is try and manage somebody else's affairs."
"Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it's not one bit better than the government we got for one third the money twenty years ago."
"The Income Tax has made more Liars out of American people than Golf has."
"There is nothing as stupid as an educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in."
"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."
About the Scopes "monkey" trial..."I don't know why some of these states want to have their ancestry established by law. There must be a suspicion of doubt somewhere."
"Our Foreign dealings are an Open Book, generally a Check Book."
"There is something about riding down the street on a prancing horse that makes you feel like something, even when you ain't a thing."
"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical."
"If you can't imitate him don't copy him."
"It ain't over till it's over."
"This is like deja vu all over again."
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
"You can observe a lot just by watchin'."
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
"I want to thank all those who made this night necessary."
"It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much."
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"24 hour banking - I don't have time for that."
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'Help Wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'Self Service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
"I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired."
"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."
"I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine."
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
"I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
"If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?"
"I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes."
"I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"
"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."
"I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it.' "
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, 'I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.' "
"Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it...it feels real.' "
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"Smoking cures weight problems...eventually..."
"Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business."
"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again."
"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' "
"My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out."
"In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
"I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today."
"Why aren't there any 'B' batteries?"
"What's another word for 'thesaurus' ?"
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually."
"My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH."
"It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused."
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for 'permanent' press? I don't get it..."
"I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open."
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.' "
"This isn't all true."
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